May. 19, 2005 - 10:05
Two nights ago I had a dream that I played a solo show and not many people were there but afterwards I was handed a huge wad of cash. Like dozens of 20 dollar bills. The wad of money was overflowing….I couldn't even fit it in my pocket.
Then I dreamt that I ran into someone I knew from childhood who was wandering around nyc with his two friends. This person had always been a bit of a loner - very creative and artsy. I was walking with him around the city and he kept stopping to look at buildings to exclaim over their size or how you could make them art structures. He was wearing a sombrero and had this goofy grin. When we got to where he was staying, he showed me the huge ceramic white lamp sculpture he made in which there was a red light glowing in the center. This was the only light in the otherwise dark apartment.
The money part of the dream is interesting to me. I am obsessed lately.
I think my relationship with money is comprised of 3 stages:
1) denial of my account balance (i.e. buying that book or cd even if it's on credit cause I really want it and you only live once)
2) reality & awareness (examination of my credit debt and bank balance and what I’m spending money on. This is perhaps the healthiest stage of my process)3) depression (after the awareness of my situation sets in I conclude I must not spend any money and that I "can't do anything fun" like seeing bands or films because it costs money. Then I feel sad and deprived again and start the denial cycle again, perhaps binging a little because I've been in such deprivation.
I think the good part of finding myself $obsessed is that I'm becoming conscious of my patterns. How when I feel deprived or needy I want to buy myself a treat- using getting a treat to fulfill an emotional need. The deeper analysis of that I will save for therapy, but the practical solution to this is that there are ways to have fun and do what you want without spending a buttload of cash...like duh. I have learned the last couple of weeks that not having money has been good for time at home being creative. So in a way, I'm glad to be really broke for a bit. Not to mention the fact that, in an effort to help both of us cut down on spending, matt has been cooking these awesome dinners (and you know how I love to eat). Last night I got home from work and it was creamy potato soup with spinach and quiche. Other choice delights have included tofu with vegetables, and major matt's two bean soup (different from mine - it's spicier).
Other thoughts from the money/art dream:
Getting paid for creative work.
It would be great to make more ends meet through playing music- which I enjoy so completely - who doesn't want a job that they love?
Push pull balance with that - I am protective of the creative process. Scared to focus on business too much. I know people who say they don't want to make money at art cause it keeps it more pure, nothing they do is tainted by monetary gains. But practically speaking, you need money to tour, and money to make cds. The amount can vary of course, but even if you make cds at the cheapest level, recording yourself and buring the cdr's yourself, you'll still need to fork over a little, even if it's to purchase blank cdr's.
The other part of my dream - walking around new york city with my friend in a sombrero high on the architecture of buildings - it reminds me of timothy lovich in "the cruise". I loved that movie. I'm going to rent it again.
Summer is the best season in case you didn't know:
I want to read some archibald macleish and hopeful karl jaspers.
And go to the ocean and eat fried donuts
And put on a play
In irish accents maybe only for gummo
I want to wear flip flops
And sit on a porch and have a mint julep
I want to play tennis
I want to drive myself to the mountains
And then drive right back
listening to mixed tapes and stopping for fresh corn and raspberries.
I want to stay up all night to walk over bridges and talk
And put coins on the railroad tracks knowing we'll find them
Flattened and melted the next morning.
